I Hate Your Lawn
Or … Killing Weeds Organically With the Harbor Freight #91033 Flamethrower Propane Torch
I hate your lawn. I hate my lawn too, but I probably hate your lawn more. I hate lawns because of all the absolutely wasted resources expended on the quest for the American lawn. From tons of fertilizers and pesticides to billions of gallons of water that we can ill afford to be splashing around, more energy, time, and resource is expended on lawns than any other crop in the United States. And none of it makes any sense.
And if you think I made up that bit about lawns being a larger crop than any other in the US, you’re wrong. A NASA scientist named Cristina Milesi calculates this sort of thing using satellite data and concludes that turf grass in the United States occupies more than three times the area of the next largest crop, corn.
And if you’re like most people who get suckered in my the Scotts commercials, nearly everything you’re doing to your lawn is probably bad for the planet. Most people grow grass species that aren’t native or even well adapted for their climate, then dump too much water on them and add too much fertilizer in a quest to keep them alive in places they weren’t supposed to grow in the first place. Most of the fertilizer is synthetically derived, using tons of fossil fuels to produce, and then it depletes the organic matter in your soil anyway. And as if that weren’t bad enough, many people still bag their grass clippings (when they cut the grass too short) and send them to a landfill, which forces them to have to add even more fertilizer to keep the lawn alive.
Nope … I hate it. Honestly, if a referendum came up in my town banning all watering of lawns and all pesticide/herbicide and inorganic fertilizer use, I’d vote for it in a heartbeat.
And I do put my money where my mouth is. One of my favorite Internet posts of all time is Paul Wheaton’s post “Organic Lawn Care for the Cheap and Lazy.” My lawn care regimen is this:
I started with whatever was growing when I moved in, crabgrass and weeds included. And I didn’t tear anything up or start over. What grows grows, what doesn’t doesn’t. During a recent dry summer I had the only green in the neighborhood because crabgrass doesn’t die back in a drought, even though I NEVER water established grass (I will keep seed moist until it germinates).
- Spring: apply a 100% organic fertilizer and pre-emergent weed control (WOW Supreme from Garden’s Alive) . It mixes Corn Gluten Meal for weed control with an organic fertilizer (good information HERE from Iowa State University about Corn Gluten Meal). If there is patching to be done I use a turf grass mix adapted to northern climates (Northern Turf from Garden’s Alive). It’s specially formulated to be drought resistant, slow growing, and require minimal fertilizer.
- Summer: Do basically nothing. I don’t water. I cut it tall (3 inches minimum) and leave the clippings from my mulching mower. If it dies it dies, but it never does. Turf adapted to northern climates goes dormant in the summer and if it’s dry it just turns yellow. But it comes back with the Fall rains. Seriously, I don’t water. Not because I’m cheap (I have a well so no monthly water bill) but because I am morally opposed to watering lawns.
- Fall: One last application of organic fertilizer and weed control.
Over the last three years I have battled through the worst of the weeds, either digging them up by hand or spot treating with an iron based weed killer. Some dandelions survive, as does a ton of clover, chickweed, and sorrel. But this year I’ve added a new tool to my organic arsenal. The Harbor Freight Propane Torch #91033.
See this video for some insight:
What they don’t tell you in that video is just how much of a beast this thing is. I did a quick 1-minute video myself:
So what does this have to do with lawns? Well, burning weeds is a great and organic way to get rid of them. I don’t mean scorched earth get rid of them like Sherman marching across the South, but rather using the heat from the torch to bust up the cell structure of weeds so they die on their own without too much damage to the surrounding lawn.
Obviously this has to be done carefully or else you’re going to set your neighborhood on fire. Which, if it burns up your chemically grown lawn is fine with me. But once in a while I wonder how on Earth they can sell something like this to the general public when they have to put warnings on soda machines to keep people from pulling them over and crushing themselves. But then I read about 7 things that seem even way more dangerous than this which are legal and I move on.
So, how do you use a torch like this to kill weeds? Once again, Captain Youtube ot the rescue. Watch this video from my favorite seed company, Johnny’s selected seeds. Notice he isn’t setting anything on fire!
So this is my new fun. Going around the yard and burning dandelions and other weeds that sneak through the pre-emergent weed killer I put down. No chemicals, no spraying, and a lot of fun.
The Harbor Freight version I bought costs only $19.99 on sale, an honestly, what could go wrong with a $20 piece of Chinese engineering hooked up to a 20 lb. propane bomb? If it makes you feel any better, the gas hose with mine came with “Made in Italy” stamped all over it so maybe it won’t leak and incinerate me.
Good luck, and remember, stop wasting water on your stupid lawn.




















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